I had just gotten off a two-hour phone call with one of my best friends and at that moment, while I was still in the reverie of our conversations, memories, I felt like she was next to me and I could hug her.

Something was different this time though and I couldn’t put my finger on it then it hit me. I had spoken to another close friend of mine and while the two friends didn’t know each other, one topic was common in the separate conversations we’d had: secret eating.

In the process of catching up, sharing laughs and talking about our plans for the future in light of the pandemic, we eventually got around to our health and fitness journeys and openly talked about the moments we had had in which we ate secretly.

I thought to myself, “When did eating carbs become a sin, something to be ashamed about? When did we start using self-deprecating humour to mask our craving for a slice or two of bread or that second chapo damn it? When did carbs become evil? I want to know.

Granted, quarantine has had most of us eating even when we knew very well we weren’t hungry, grazing the pantry and fridge to find something to nibble on, I still wondered why we felt we had to “hide” from some unknown person or thing, embarrassed for some reason at ourselves or our lack of self-control.

I would also like to continue this discussion by stating explicitly that I am not a nutritionist. I love potatoes in every form they are made, chicken is my weakness and I promise you, I could probably finish a whole pack of Digestive McVities with about a mug or two of coffee if I didn’t exercise moderation in my indulgence.

Anyway, as someone who took the phrase, “treat yourself” during my birthday month, I can relate to this all too well. I have struggled ever since I was young with my weight and food. My dad owned a hotel when we were younger and literally every single day, he would come home with fries, sausages, sausage rolls, Ribena and Lucozade. Back then that was gold, especially if mum had made njahe (black beans) or githeri (a dish consisting of beans and corn) and if you wanted the gold, you had to finish your dinner.

Growing up with brothers, they would always finesse me out of my stash, especially my big brother; after he had eaten his sausage, he’d ask to take a bite of mine and proceed to chomp off three-quarters of it. We laugh about now but back then it was a serious game of strategy and who would best hide their goodies. Woe unto you if your stash was found by someone else, which was the case especially for my younger brother.

Perhaps this is where my trigger to overeat stemmed from, I’m not sure but I can distinctly remember waking up enough times in the middle of the night to have some fries or a sausage roll and because I didn’t want to wake my mum up heating my snack using the microwave, I grabbed what I needed and crept back to my room, munching quietly.

It has been a long, interesting and enlightening journey though I must say of developing a healthy lifestyle and relationship between myself and food. I have had plenty of setbacks; woken up to the carnage of the previous night; pizza boxes all around me, empty soda bottles and the smell of fries still wafting in the air. Another diet plan went bust and because of sheer embarrassment and escapism, opted to shove down those feelings further with some vanilla ice cream, maybe crush a biscuit and sprinkle it on for the different texture, flavour, I don’t know. I just ate, man.

I cannot tell you when it precisely happened or even what sparked it, but the switch flipped, and I started taking my health seriously. I signed up to the gym, where I coincidentally met my now-husband (the man was out here checking me out, as I panted for dear life, struggling to do sit-ups…that’s, real love). I started making healthier food choices and I eventually lost a good chunk of the excess weight.

To make sure I was eating properly, I consulted a nutritionist, who understood how much I love food. She prescribed a balanced diet for me, sprinkled with treats in small portions throughout my diet. Her explanation: it was about developing a healthy relationship with food, not punishing myself. While she offered the necessary support and regularly checked in with me, it was ultimately up to me.

Discipline and consistency: If I didn’t show up to the gym and push myself to get better or follow the nutritionist’s plan, it was no skin off their back. No amount of working out or health plans would have worked until I changed my mindset, cultivated the discipline and consistency. I had to put in the work and I still am. It’s a daily affair.

Overall, I have come to adopt a healthier lifestyle physically as well as in every aspect of my life even with my relocation to the Netherlands. Okay, I went a little overboard with the sweet and savoury snacks, mostly out of curiosity but quickly reigned it in. I found some of them on either extreme to my taste, especially the sweet snacks, so now if I want to have something sweet, I’ll go for a simple vanilla or chocolate muffin; basically, something as plain as possible because that’s what I found to my liking.

I can happily say I love working out, possibly obsessed and get super pumped and excited to see how far I can push my body. Now that it’s open once again so I’m back to working out, re-introducing weights back to my sessions after close to three months of working out from home, which was another challenge in itself of consistency and discipline.

With regards to my diet, I continue to strive towards making healthier food choices, except during my birthday week. It was death by cake courtesy of my husband, but I was not embarrassed or ashamed to eat cake and indulge a little. I’m in a good place with regards to my relationship with food in general and make an effort to be a mindful eater; to be as in tune with my body as much as possible such that every time I feel the urge to snack, I have conversations with myself to understand the trigger.

Am I genuinely hungry or am I thirsty? How am I feeling emotionally, mentally? If the answer is no, I don’t indulge and even if the answer to any of these questions is yes, I try to have healthy snacks as much as possible, pray and journal to work out my feelings and thoughts. I also straight up tell my tummy to stop its shenanigans and be content with whatever meal I’ve had.

I have deliberately strived not to think about certain foods such as fries or a slice of cake as a “cheat meal or day”, I don’t know about you but I know cheating is bad so when you make such an association with food, doesn’t it breed and perpetuate an unhealthy view of food and how we relate to what is meant to nourish us, energize us and be at the heart of some of the most memorable moments of our lives?

Taking my overall health and well being is the ultimate form of self-care. At least that’s how my girls and I like to look at it; chasing health, wellness and striving to be the best versions of ourselves in every respect. It’s about progress, not perfection and cultivating the discipline necessary to get to where you need or want to be and pushing yourself. It’s about loving and appreciating yourself, regardless of the number on a weighing scale as well as making healthier food decisions, indulging in moderation and zero shame for eating that biscuit, burger or piece of chocolate. It’s also about surrounding yourself with people who want better for you, challenge and encourage you to take that first step making whatever change you want to make in your life.

I am grateful and in constant awe at how my friendships with my girls have evolved, the sisterhood we have cultivated. I appreciate the safe space we give each other to be as vulnerable as we want to be talking about the challenges and struggles that come with adulting; fears, successes, as well as our overall physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional well-being.

While it is hard being far away from them, being able to pick up my phone and have a video call with my one of girls or a zoom coffee date with the whole gang, is priceless. The number of physical dates we have planned also helps keep us going.

For now, voice notes and video messages, WhatsApp calls and zoom dates; these are a few of my favourite things. I’ll see you on the next one!