It was 8am and I was still in my pyjamas, As I poured myself a second cup of coffee and got my water bottle, I wondered how the mindful session would go. Would there be on-the-spot assignments to complete? Would I be required to have my 2022 goals all mapped out and ready to go? I was still in holiday mode, so I didn’t want unnecessary pressure obviously but also, I wanted to be actively present and make the most out of it. I had woken up at 8am on a Tuesday during the holiday season, after all. I stumbled on Kenyan Expat Mama’s page on Instagram and when I realised we are both living in the Netherlands, I reached out and we connected. A couple of days prior to the session, we were chatting on Instagram, and I remember telling her that as much as I was looking forward to the session, I was also nervous about it because I felt like I’d be confronting some truths I would be uncomfortable with. So, with a dash of anticipation, a sprinkle of excitement, and a smidge of trepidation, I grabbed my notebook and pen, joined the Zoom meeting, and settled down the mindful session.

Turns out, it was exactly what I needed to help me recalibrate and realise I had so much more to be grateful for than I gave myself credit for and some amazing things had happened in the past year, that I hadn’t even realised. For one, I got a job one and a half years after moving here. I had prayed for a job for so long, submitted so many job applications (except the ones that require you to key in your details after uploading your CV…I still detest those.), God had answered my prayers. Just as I finally found my rhythm and accepted that my career may not be destined for the standard 9-5, I got a job. In a span of a few short weeks, I was neck-deep in Zoom meetings, meeting new colleagues, immersing myself into understanding the organisation, the work, and before I could say “Can you see my screen?”, I had a press release to write, communication plans to write, stories to pitch,  media responses to work on,  folders of material to go through and absorb that everything else became a blur.

I was intentional about taking the first three months off creating content so I could fully on board with my job, but I didn’t expect it to run this long. When I started getting messages, from people who follow my content, the pangs of guilt hit me like a high-speed train, and I felt like was letting them down. I was honest about my situation, but I still felt guilty and undeserving of their support. I wanted to hide and disappear into obscurity. All the good habits and flow I had established were completely forgotten. However, instead of being gracious with myself and allowing myself to step away from writing without the guilt, I piled on the pressure and chastised myself when I felt like was failing. To top it off, I was struggling with imposter syndrome, wondering why I was hired and wondering if I could live up to the expectations. This left me completely fatigued at the end of each workday and as a result, my creative well dried up.

I thought I had the whole work-life balance concept in the bag until I realised, I had no idea what I was doing, and I needed to find my joy again. To do so, I needed to stop and so I did. I stopped putting unrealistic expectations and pressure on myself to be this efficient, all items on the to-do list ticked off type of person. Instead of trying to do everything at a go, I started by picking one thing that has always made me happy, reading. From some of my old favourites like Chimamanda’s Half of a Yellow Sun, Yaa Gyasi’s Homegoing to new additions like Bolu Babulola’s Love In Colour, which I read twice, and Abi Dare’s The Girl with the Louding Voice, had me crying like a baby. I also had a David Baldacci season, I think I read all his crime novels; from The Camel Club series, King and Maxwell to Will Robie and his spy adventures, I read them all.

I stopped tying my sense of self-worth to my job. I was worthy, simple as that. I stopped questioning the gifts and talents I was blessed with, or why I got my job. God didn’t make a mistake. He knew what He was doing when He put me on that path. He blessed me with the opportunity to work with an amazing team, learn and challenge myself to grow and excel in my profession. So why was I now questioning His blessing or the fact that He would help me figure it out?  When it came to creating content, I stopped questioning why people enjoyed or complimented my writing. In the past, I would cringe and want to hide whenever I received positive feedback about my work. I wanted to hide and often, my conversations would go something like this:

Person: Hey, I read your blog post and I love your style of writing. You’re funny and I could relate to it.

Me: Oh my gosh, really?! You enjoyed that? Uhm, okay thanks. You know I’m never sure if I’m making sense. You know I struggle sometimes with getting the right phrasing…

And on and on I would drone instead of acknowledging the compliment and thanking the person for taking the time to read and relate to my work.

Working out is something that has always kept me going so when I felt like I was struggling, I switched it up and decided to try something new, kickboxing. From the moment I took my first class, I was hooked. I signed up for other group classes, like HIIT, Full Body, and Core Training. I almost died in all these classes, including the kickboxing pre-workout but it got me pumped and energised (shout out to the team at Change=). I loved it so much, I bought myself boxing gloves and knuckle wraps.

Slowly by slowly, brick by brick, I started reincorporating healthy habits and establishing a routine that worked for me. I paid closer attention to my mind, body, and spirit and did what I felt I could manage. Some days I’d wake up ready to work out, some days I spent an extra hour in bed reading before getting ready for work. I figured if I did one thing outside of work to help me feel like I had structure, I’d do that, even for 30 minutes. After a year of not going to confession, I finally went, and it got me thinking. If God can give me an unlimited number of chances to do better and be better, who am I not to give myself a chance to start over repeatedly. My spirit restored and restarted my journey with the Bible in a Year podcast, which offers daily commentary, reflection and is a terrific way to read the Bible.

I got back to journaling and as I thought back about everyone who had reached out about my blog and videos, I realised, I have a small community of people who are connecting with me and my work. Instead of feeling guilty, I felt humbled and honoured that they have stuck with me through it all.

I had to stop so I could start again. I needed to step away to realise the importance of embracing and reveling in my life at each stage. At the beginning of the session, we went around talking about why we selected the course and sharing one word to describe what our year was like. My word was tenacious. I’m grateful I didn’t give up on myself and for the support system that kept me going, encouraged, and celebrated with me. I still don’t have it all figured out, and that’s okay but I’m excited that this is how I’m kickstarted my 2022, with a tenacious, grateful spirit.

As we wrapped up the mindful planning session and we learned that there wasn’t some assignment to get our 2022 plans ready, I let out a sigh of relief. I didn’t realise I had been holding my breath and the fact that there wasn’t immediate pressure to have the year figured out, meant I had the space to go back and reflect further on my year and pace myself as I planned out my goals for this year. If you ever feel the pressure building or like you’re drowning, I hope you remember to hit pause and allow yourself to catch your breath and find your balance.